The life of a stick figure

If anyone reads this will you please pray for me. I am really struggling right now with a lot of doubts and just feeling down. Like I said in my last post, anxiety is such an easy emotion for me and there is definitely a lot going on right now to leave me feeling anxious. Sometimes I feel like there is so much I should be doing and yet, I have no desire to do it. However, when I do actually do the things that I need to do, I feel like I am doing it for my own sake than for the Lord.
God has been teaching me so much about trust lately. I thought that the main lesson was about trusting Him, but I've been beginning to see how much of these lessons are about trusting people, especially those that are in authority over me. It is so easy for my pride and arrogance to rise up. Sometimes I feel like I know what is best and that other people are stupid for not agreeing. That is dumb.
I do need to trust Him. My financial situation continues to be a burden. I feel like I am doing well and than I get hit with some huge expense like new tires or a new phone or whatever. I got this stupid bill from the army the other day and I don't even know what it's for. I can't get a hold of anyone who knows what it is about and if I don't start paying on it by the 12th, they will send it to a debt collection agency. If I didn't dislike the military already, I am definitely losing any sort of affection very quickly. My patriotic feelings died out long ago and this is definitely putting the nail in the coffin.
I hope that I have not depressed anyone. I know that the Lord is working and that I can trust Him. Sometimes it is so hard to see past my circumstances and narrow view on life. He is working in and through me. I am reminded of that constantly but it is such an easy lesson to forget. Thank you for reading this and please pray.

It's all a matter of perspective

The topic of the day is anxiety. Today we went to Starbucks and as we were pulling into the parking lot, an older lady yelled at us that we were going too fast. Rob yelled from the backseat, "you're too slow." The funny thing is that my window was down so this woman and her cohorts heard everything we said. Of course, Andrew and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably, which they also heard. We than entered into this awkward staring contest because we were stuck trying to turn out of the parking lot and they just stood there. Very entertaining.


Speaking of anxiety, I've really been struggling with that a lot lately. If you read this, you can please pray for me.

It is so easy for me to feel consumed at times. Whether it's stuff with the Shelterwood kids, stuff with other staff, stuff going on at home, I get to the point where I feel like I'm juggling the whole world.
Recently, I had the realization that, while more socially acceptable, anxiety and worry hinders my walk with the Lord and my ability to serve Him just as much as drug or sex addictions. In both instances, I am trying to take things into my own hand, I am not trusting the Lord with my life and my circumstances. Pray that I will trust Him with all these things that are going on in my life. Pray that as I continue to learn to be dependent on and confident in Him alone that the work that God wants to use me for will be accomplished.

Bust a move

I need to apologize so badly to my blog readers! I have failed miserably in keeping y'all informed on what is going on in my life. I think that sometimes I feel that unless I can write this amazing blog note, it is not worth writing. Sometimes you just gotta write something.
I will make a post later about this past weekend that will include picture. However, I will go ahead and give a brief synopsis. I traveled to Omaha by way of Des Moines this past weekend for a friend of Jen's wedding. The actual wedding/reception part was fairly miserable but it was a great experience. I want to give major major props to Jen's mom for providing a hotel room for me on Friday night. It was such a blessing!

This weekend made me think a lot about weddings and what I am desiring for that event to look like in my life. I think it is easy when you are on the outside of a wedding to be critical about how they are doing their wedding or their attitudes. I don't want to do that. I have been to several weddings lately and I have seen things that I like and things that I don't like but I definitely do not want to bag on anyone for having a "crappy" wedding.

That being said, the biggest thing I have realized lately is how messed up Christian weddings have become in our culture. There seems to be a huge disconnect between what we say about wanting to submit our lives to the Lord and do everything for His glory, etc. and the focus during a wedding. Really what I see is weddings that are more about the two people than about glorifying God and praising Him for His work. More importantly, we have missed the whole point of what a wedding is to represent. I found this amazing article online talking about Jewish wedding customs and how Jesus fulfilled that in His actions and speech. It is so cool to look back on some of the things He said and did and realize how much wedding imagery He was using. Here is the link. I don't necessarily agree with what they say about the end times but I think it is still really cool to see.
http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/rtg/rtg-rts/rtgrts02.txt

Weddings should be a picture of a) God's provision in bringing these two people together and b) a glorious picture of our union with God through Christ and the fulfillment of that union when Christ comes back to earth and builds His kingdom. The whole world eagerly longed and waited for the Messiah, for redemption as an engaged couple longs to be united. Through His death and resurrection, we become a part of the bride of Christ, the church. It is such a cool and beautiful picture. I long so badly to have this be apparent at my wedding and that it would not be about how cute we are as a couple but about the power and majesty of the Lord.

Wacky Wedding Weekend

It's been about a week and a half since my last post and I have been horribly missing blogging (not too horribly). I am currently in Tulsa on the latter end of an Oklahoma vacation. I attended a wedding this weekend in Edmond and it was very nice although it made me miss my Jenni a lot. I can't wait to see her tomorrow!!! Here are some pictures from this weekend



The groomsmen and ushers played a little human foosball before the wedding.

Let's take a trip to grandma's house

I decided my post tonight is going to be a little lighter than the usual fare. I've got a lot of thoughts and whatnot on my mind but I will wait to post those at a later date. Tonight, I would like to thrill all of you with a story of epic proportions. As I was house directing myself around Doulos on Monday night I received an interesting visit from none other than Jim Freeman. He proceeded to inform me that one of the Shelterwood girls had discovered lice in her hair. No big deal, I thought, she'll be treated and we can move on. I was told that I didn't need to do anything right now but just to be aware. I can definitely be aware. Sometime after dinner I was informed by my good friend Leah, who was also in the process of house directing, that more girls had been discovered with lice. This is not good, I told myself. I was than informed by the aforementioned Jim that searches would need to be conducted on the guys house. This is when things started getting "hairy"...

Act 2

I soon became trained in the art of lice-identifying. This is an ancient and secret skill known only to a small segment of society which includes hairdressers and school nurses. I was than able to take my skill into the guy's house where lice eggs in unending supply were also discovered in the men. The full-force of this epidemic soon became apparent when we realized that the best way to treat a louse outbreak is to a)coat your head in mayonnaise for 4 hours, b) rinse out said mayonnaise and wash your hair with dawn detergent for 10 minutes, c) have someone comb through your hair thoroughly and insure that every dead lice egg is removed, and d) wash all of your bedding and dirty clothes. Obviously, the problem arises when you have 28 plus people who need to go through this process. Needless to say, we were up until 2 AM cleaning up mayonnaise chunks and pulling dead nits out of hair. It has been interesting to see how God has used this event in different people's lives. I have attached some pictures. Enjoy!



Oh yeah! That moisture on my shirt is dripping mayonnaise, gotta love it!





Leah did an awesome job handling lice infested girls

it's the end of the world as we know it

I watched the movie Syriana tonight. I found it very interesting and thought provoking. It was a very hard movie to follow because the plot line is so convoluted and it is somewhat slow. However, I feel like it presented the issues that were being faced in a very real and personal way. It's a story of large-scale corruption and international dealings but the story wasn't really focused on the large-scale of countries and corporations. You see the realness of people. You see how people make choices. Choices to follow money, power, and even misguided religion versus what really matters in life. I don't want to ruin the story but their are several very powerful characters, namely Matt Damon's character and George Clooney's character. Both of these men are controlled by power and money but in the end find redemption. It is a very sad movie and there is definitely a lot of heaviness in my spirit right now. In a way it is a very hopeless movie because you see how people have lost their lives emotionally and spiritually as they try to attain security and happiness. How do we lose our love for our neighbor? Why do we trust governments when they only breed corruption and violence. I don't want to make any sort of political statement or anything but how can we as Christians place our hope in the United States government? It's no lie that we will lie, steal, murder, and torture in the name of "protecting our interests." The government is not to blame. That is the nature of government in a fallen world. Why do we keep looking to those powerful in the world's eyes for salvation when the one who causes kings and governments to fall to their knees before Him asks us to serve Him. We have a hope that will not fail us, that is not corrupt, that will not use us or stab us in the back. We have a hope in something far greater than any government or corporation or person can ever offer.

"Why do the nations conspire, and the peoples plot in the vain. The kings of the earth gather together and the rulers take their stand against the Lord and against His annointed one. 'Let us break their chains,' they say, 'and throw off their fetters.' The one enthroned in Heaven laughs. The Lord scoffs at them. Than He rebukes them in His anger and terrifies them in His wrath, saying, 'I have installed my king on Zion, my holy hill.'" Psalm 2

what's love got to do with it?

I decided to start writing some movie reviews on my blog. I think this is something that Nick and I might start doing together but I'll go ahead and get the ball rolling. I feel that movies are very impactful and can really carry a lot of messages. It seems that there is a lot of power in stories in general to speak to us in a way that facts or non-fiction cannot.
I've had some interesting conversations with people about what movies we should or shouldn't watch. Is it for the best to watch a movie that is filled with graphic violence/sexuality or nudity/or language? I hate asking the question is it a sin or not. I think the problem is not actually whether it is sin or not it is more the definition of what sin is. I don't think that sin is just doing things that God doesn't like, which seems to be a lot of people's opinions. I don't feel like I have a great grasp on all this stuff. In fact, I think there is a lot of mystery involved. However, I do feel that the essence of sin is trying to be in control of things which only God is in control, which is basically everything. I think the reason that certain things are considered sin is because God has asked us not do them with our best interests in mind yet we choose to do them anyway because we think we know what is best. I know there is so much more to it than that but I'm just trying to grasp a basic understanding. So I think that watching certain things or reading certain things is wrong when we know it is not what is best for us, yet we think we can handle it. For instance, if I was an alcoholic it would be unwise for me to drink a glass of wine. I think the question of movies or the arts in general is can we follow the commandment that "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" and still watch movies that would have impure things in them? I think it really comes down to a question of wisdom and discernment. It'd be easy to have some kind of list or standard that God gives us but I believe that part of maturity and the work of the Spirit is that we can, if we are in tune with Him, decide what is best. Maybe I'm wrong, but I really feel that we have the ability to see certain things that are "bad" but in discernment and wisdom see the greater truth. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell talks about finding truth wherever it is present and that whenever we see truth, we see God. That is so cool. I have a couple examples of what I am talking about. Last night, I watched the movie "Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny." While being a funny movie, there was very little of a good message and a lot of some very negative and offensive parts. If I was being wise I would have stopped watching the movie after the first 2 minutes knowing that there wasn't going to be a redeeming message. However, I continued to watch the movie to the end and I know that I am no better off for that.

Some might say, "That was an R-rated movie, and you should have never watched it in the first place because of that R-rating." What I would say to that is that I have seen some very trashy pg-13 and even pg rated movies that left me feeling the same way. An example of this would be "Rumor Has It" or "Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift." The former movie was just horribly trashy and raunchy and the latter was just stupid and pointless.

I didn't realize this was going to be such a long post. I didn't even get to my movie review, which was the whole point of this post. Alas, it will have to wait. I know everyone is very disappointed.

The End

a mexican fiesta

I really want to post something but I really don't have much to talk about. I hate just writing for the sake of writing something.

It's been cool this past week to see how the Lord has looked in what seems like little ways to me. I just noticed a different thought pattern in my head today. I struggle a lot with wanting to be recognized. On one hand, I get really nervous about being the center of attention but on the other hand, it always makes me feel really really good to be commended in public. Sometimes I feel like I am desiring that recognition a lot. I noticed some time this weekend that I was doing something and the thought was not in my head that I was going to recognized for it. It seems stupid but I know that it is of great significance. It was also cool in that to give total glory to God for working in my heart to take away that selfishness and pride. I know that it is nothing that I have done that has caused these changes to take place. I also know that these changes are occurring not so I can have a better life or whatever but so that God may be glorified and that people will come to know Him.

It is so easy when I am tired or stressed to fill up my life with silly things. They really are escapes. This can be movies, video games, or even sometimes books. I hate that and even while I am doing it I know that I am escaping and wasting my time but it also feels so good just to get away from reality. A lot of the time I regret my upbringing and circumstances that those things are even an option to me. I so long to live a simple and devoted life but there are so many stupid and insignificant distractions. However, I do know that I am who God made me to be and that I am in the place where He has me. He is using even silly distractions and those choices that I am making to purify me. I long to "throw off everything that hinders."

I don't feel right about this post for some reason. I long to be authentic, but there is a huge temptation to show off or use this as a chance to be recognized. I think that God can use this blogm for His glory, especially through my own weakness.

Here is a picture of my luchador friend, Nick

sweet child of mine

I was sitting in the pool today at Roark and was thinking about what my purpose is. All this was brought about because I was having a crappy day. There wasn't really any reason for it other than I had come off of two days of being off and was struggling with motivation. I pretty much felt like a bum most of the day. Anyways, I was sitting in the pool thinking about all of this. Who am I living for? Am I really seeking to do a good job for the glory of God or for my own? It feels like I'm doing it for my own sake many times. Than I started prayer "God, I want to serve you and do your wil not for my sake but that you may be glorified." But than I started thinking, "Is my hopeful end result of this that God is glorified or maybe that God is glorified and than things also work out for me." However, this is true because when we are glorifying the Lord we are doing what's best but it shouldn't be for our own sake. This probably doesn't make much sense. If only the thoughts in my head would come out in a coherent flow on the screen. I read a really cool quote once in Madame Bovary. It said "human speech is like a cracked pot on which we beat out rhythms for bears to dance to when we are striving to make music that will wring tears from the stars." I just think that is such a beautiful statement and I feel that so many times. It's like there's this deepness inside of you, this burning that you want to express but you just can't. I feel it sometimes when I hear a certain song or read a story. It's like something just gets stirred up inside of you. I think that those are the times when the eternity that God has created in our hearts becomes apparent.
It's been about a day and a half since I started this post and I totally lost my train of thought. My dad sent me some pictures of my niece.

Here's some more




I like her so much...it makes me really want to have kids of my own.
I saw Spider Man 3 last night at midnight. It was pretty lame. I think Nick and I are going to start a movie review blog. Spiderman 3 will be our first. I definitely felt the consequences of my actions today. I was tired and cranky all day. It was so cool to see how God used me even in my crankiness. Well thanks for reading and have an awesome day!

Eureka! I found some springs

Wow. I'm really on a roll with this whole blog thing. Three nights in a row and still going strong. Anyways, I went to Eureka Springs today with my now officially "one-year-of-dating" girlfriend (hopefully I'll be able to post some pictures tomorrow). I had a lot of interesting thoughts as I was in said location. First of all, I know that Eureka Springs is a very interesting and eclectic place. In fact, one of the ladies in this shop told us that last weekend was cross-dressing day and she also described the residents as being "open." My point is not at all to judge or condemn these people, however, the question I had was what does the Christian community in this area look like? Are there Christians reaching out to the residents of Eureka Springs, especially the homosexuals, the witches, the partyers, and any other group normally shunned by religious folk? Are most of the Christians in the area those who have grown up there and see their community as more of a war-zone, an us vs. them type mentality? The thought makes me sad because I imagine that this last sentence is the typical response. Why do people flock to places like Eureka Springs, San Francisco, Amsterdam? Maybe it's because they feel accepted, they feel loved no matter what. But what's the point? It's the blind leading the blind. Where should acceptance come from? I feel that as Christians we have failed in our responsibility to accept and love all people. Why do these people flee from the church? Probably because they feel more judgement and condemnation than they do love and acceptance. I know that I myself have been very guilty of this.

This brings me to my second thought process...
What the heck are we going to do about it? I feel like there are so many little pockets of "real" Christians out there in the midst of all this hypocrisy and blindness. When is it going to come together? I read magazines like Relevant and see ads and articles for all these really neat Christian ministries but it seems like as a whole the Church is failing to make God's kingdom a present reality. What is it going to take? Is the church on the verge of judgement? We like to proclaim death, destruction, fire and brimstone for the world but when you look at Biblical history, quite a bit of that was directed towards the Jews. Why? Because they failed many times over to glorify God and make Him known to the nations because they were so caught up in building their own little kingdoms.
So to get back to the original thought...I get so discouraged when I see all this darkness and than see myself and those around me failing to reach out. We are so caught up in our own little kingdoms, our own little pictures of what God and His work should be, that we fail to realize our vocation and calling as a church. I know that we cannot individually change the world, the church must unite. There really is going to have to be a revolution. The question is will this ever take place? And than, what can I do to join it?

Thank you for your time.

Yay for fun things

I just got a sweet idea. I have posted some books that I really enjoy or am currently reading. I thought it would be cool to hear other people's thoughts on these books. I also hope to publish thoughts on movies that I see and also hear others thoughts. Thanks!

A night like any other

I realized that my blog now looks very shabby with this one post. I have therefore decided to add another post...this one. What do you talk about in a blog? That is the question that I ask myself. I could share some thoughts on different events and whatnot that have happened today but than I feel bad about talking about others in such an odd and public way. I feel that I will have to be wise in my blogging and in the thoughts I share. I desire to express myself without bragging or showing off, to glorify God without being cheesy, and to portray an accurate picture of my life without sugar-coating or something else (another word has failed me but it seemed appropriate to add another modifier. I hate it when that happens.) I am thoroughly looking forward to this blogging experience. Thank you.

A little buzzed, but starting strong

So I had about three glasses of wine too much at my good friend Kate's house tonight. It was in that moment that I realized the need to create a blog of my own. This is an idea that I have toyed with many times in the past and have actually attempted at one time. However, I feel that the time is now right. I've definitely got a lot of thoughts to share so I hope the three of you that read this will enjoy it. Thank you.